Sunday, December 21, 2008

3am Thoughts

Rich food and alcohol thwarted my sleep plans last night, and a miscommunication with my mother meant that she called me at 7:30 this morning, waking me after less than 5 hours' sleep.
Welcome home, Mom.

Actually, it's great to have her back, especially since I know that many people can't get home right now because the weather is so, well, winter-y. She's been gone since October, so we had a lot of catching up to do. Which lead to wine-drinking, which lead to us getting home late, which lead to eating pasta after 10pm, which is just not so smart.

Which lead to lying awake at 3am dwelling on things, as you tend to do in the small hours of the morning. Things like:
  • why do I feel like I need to compete with one of my best friends, instead of celebrating our differences and enjoying the things that make us alike.
  • why can't I quit smoking and eating things I shouldn't when it's really just a teeny tiny matter of self-control and do pleasures that last about 5 minutes outweigh the guilt and bad health that follow?
  • if I can't quit my very mild habit, what are the odds that my boyfriend will ever quit, or will we celebrate our 20th anniversary in the ICU with him hooked up to some oxygen device?
  • why do I feel unsupported and frustrated in one of my bands and is it worth opening a can of worms and sparking some conflict to get to the bottom of this, or should I just keep my mouth shut?
and of course, the old standby, the voice that whispers:

  • You're no good.
So you see, I should never eat carbohydrates late at night.

I am going to be gentle with myself and others today. I am going to eat a good breakfast and go play in the newly-fallen snow. At noon, Jon & I are going to get our hair cut, which will make me feel pretty, and then I will have 2 gigs later. I will do my best without endlessly comparing myself to others, and I will try to be confident without being arrogant or feeling that I have to prove myself all the time. I will admit that I have things still to learn without feeling that this makes me a failure. I will be kind to the man who loves me.
I can.
I will.
I am.
These are small but powerful words.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.