Monday, May 28, 2012

I am supposed to be researching right now.
Tiredness pulls me away from should and supposed-to and must
into surfing and blogging and short sweet sexy notes to someone

I rode my bike home today after the perfect end-of-week show
through growling thunder and sunshine both
Went running with friends, baby, dog
into grey skies and ominous rumbles
 the lake steely and flat
and then
full-tilt spring storm unleashing itself
wind brushing water, clouds dropping
So hard we had to crouch behind the stroller to protect ourselves
from the icy stones

Running, biking, performing, rehearsing- I am tired all the time, but
it's a good tired, mostly
Today I wrote: Another day at the office
and that's what it feels like. The new normal: job, room-mates, exercise
Same small town, same faces you smile at as they drive by you

This morning, in the room off the kitchen
where we keep the plastic bags
I see one labelled Personal Belongings and my eyes widen

They gave me that bag last year at the hospital. One year ago yesterday.
Along with disposable underpants, a gown and a few scars
Mostly I don't think about it, about how much changed this time last year
About how it changed so fast
that I brought that hospital bag back to up here with me
and here it still is
And here I am, again. Luckily.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

back in the Cariboo

Meet-and-greet party tonight for all the staff of this crazy historical museum/town/archeological site that I work in. I already said my hellos to most of the people I really like up here, but it was nice to go for a bit. I dunno, I don't really do parties very well. A flaw, really. I had a couple cups of wine, said my hellos and skedaddled. I love the possibility of Spring here: who will I party with, who will I get closer to, who will catch my eye... well, no one that way, hopefully. I have to be good. We are all so busy and insular right now, but I know that as summer winds on, new friendships and alliances will form, and the fun lies ahead.
My sweetheart writes to me and his words are balm to my soul. It's lovely having someone to miss. I look forward to showing him my town, and to feeling his arms around me. I write back: long emails. Some of it is stuff I'd normally say here: description, stories of work; some of it is stuff that's only for him.
I try to find words for you, for the internet, for my memories... I love performing. It's good to be here. I think about where I was this time last year and I shake my head. So lucky, so very, very lucky, I am. I am healthy and doing work that I love and as my sweetheart says, it's great to have someone to miss, even if that sucks sometimes.
Last year I came back up here after my surgery and my breakup and all I could find for a while was poetry and photographs, so maybe that's what I'll do again here. Something different from the what-I-did-this-week emails I send my man. I won't abandon this space, that's for sure. We'll see.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

leaving: some late-night thoughts

I had a post all ready, about food and the city and some last-minute purchases I made recently. But then I accidentally navigated away from this page and lost it, every last word. I think I could sum it up by saying: Go to the Woodland Smokehouse & Commissary! Eat at Nelson The Seagull! Retro-vintage makeup cases rock!

I am tasting and touching and exploring the city as intensely as possible, knowing that I will be leaving so soon. Gulping food and music and fun before I plunge into rehearsals up north. Vancouver, always pulling me in, making me fall in love again at the last minute.

Last night I played a Flying Folk Army reunion gig, and it was fantastic. I opened for the band with a set of my own material, and finally playing my own songs in front of a crowd of friends was something I've wanted to do for so long. Nerve-racking, but wonderful. And then the sweat and stomp and sheer exuberance of the FFA! To play with five other friends after so many years apart; to share the stage with the man I was with for 14 years; to have my new sweetheart beaming at me from the audience, and another ex backing me up on my own tunes; to see and talk to so many people right before I leave again... it makes my heart full.

Last night after the gig, I barely slept; my sweetheart was restless and the bed felt too small. I wanted our last night in the same bed to be wonderful, and of course fate intervened and somewhere a small, mean god laughed, and by 5am I just wanted to strangle him so I could get some sleep. So I was raw and tired, but we had a great breakfast and I forgot how little sleep I'd had... And then we went to the racetrack, which as I've said before on here can be a wonderful place to spend a sunny day. But there was an accident during race number five. A horse 'broke down' on the backstretch, and suddenly there were riderless horses streaking towards the finish line, and an ambulance streaking down the track, and four jockeys were down. All the joy sucked out of the day, just like that. (The jockeys are all alive, and only one was injured. One of the horses, one I'd bet on, had to be killed.)

I told my sweetheart how much I'd miss him this summer. Tears came very easily, especially after seeing the accident at the track. I will miss him, although I know that it will be a great summer, it always is. It's hard to leave.

I have an audition for school tomorrow. I may not be as prepared as I'd like, but hopefully I'm prepared enough. Cross you fingers for me. And now, to bed.