I am lying in bed while a teenaged cat stomps around my room investigating.
Yesterday it was rainy and grey. I went for a long walk and when I came home two out of the three animals were sleeping on my bed. Needless to say, I joined them and we all snuggled together like sardines. In fact, it was a struggle to throw on my party clothes and leave the nest for the opening night of my show.
By the time I got to the theatre I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, actually:
My date for the evening had just gotten out of the hospital and couldn't come with me.
Nor was anyone else interested/available apparently.
I was in a haze of worry about my dear friend who is so stoic but has some serious health issues to face; I was also feeling insecure and tired. No one wants to be here with me for my big night, I fumed. I'll just go watch this thing, make a token appearance at the after-party and get the hell outta there.
Well, you know what happened, right?
I ran into some lovely theatre friends I hadn't seen in ages and I sat with them for the show.
The play itself was great- the best performance so far. I am so proud of the whole cast!
I went to the opening night party and, as you do at these things, I ran into a few more people I hadn't seen in ages. In fact, because I was alone, I made more of an effort to socialize and also I didn't have to worry whether or not my date was having a good time. I just took care of myself and it was lovely.
Just as I was gathering up my things and getting ready to say my goodbyes, the production manager invited me into her office for some whiskey. I sat there with her, the set designer, his wife and the other two amazing women who run Studio 58 and I thought Isn't this great. Last time I worked here, 5 years ago, I felt so shy and insecure. Now I feel as if I totally belong here.
Suddenly it was 1:30 in the morning! So much for getting the hell outta there.
I didn't need a date or a friend to prop me up last night. I am so proud of what I've accomplished and how I've grown in the last while. And funnily enough, while I'm obviously very pleased with my artistic achievements, I'm even more pleased that I felt so at ease throughout the whole process and even last night, alone at a party. Because that, for me, is far more challenging than playing music. Except it isn't anymore. So I have to stop saying things like
I hate parties
I hate going to these things alone
Starting a new job is like the first day of school- so scary!
No one knows who I am
What a relief, to throw off those insecurities and just enjoy.