Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Failing With Equanimity

Today I got up just after six, after the worst sleep I've had in months. At eight am, I did my practical exam for Occupational First Aid. And by 12:15, I found out that I had failed it. I made a big mistake in a protocol, and it cost me dearly. Exam over, no need to do the written part. Out of the six people in my exam group, two of us failed. I made my way home in the yucky snow/rain mixture we've got going on today, and burned off some frustration by cleaning the kitchen and walking the dog, who clearly sensed my bad mood and tugged sulkily at his leash most of the way.

The other night I saw a play with someone who makes my heart beat a little bit faster. And then we went for drinks and talked for a few hours, walked home and kissed on a street corner in the falling snow. Which... pretty much my idea of a great night, actually. I don't need all that much- just some conversation, preferably with lots of laughter, some wine, and street-corner smooching. Take note, future dates.
Except that I'm wracked with self-doubt three days later: Was I too forward? Is he interested at all? Why doesn't he do some of the work and invite me out for a change? Whining, in my head: Why can't this be eeeeeasy?

I need more. Maybe I need too much and it scares people (okay, maybe it scares guys). If I like you, I want to talk to you, to have you get in touch with me, to show me that you're thinking about me from time to time. I don't think that's unreasonable but who knows? How do I balance Keeping Things Simple and No Expectations with the needs of my heart?
The wise older sister in my head says You know what to do. Shake it off, keep moving. Book a new date, keep studying,  and re-take that exam. And I do; I book a new exam time as soon as I get home.  Stop bugging that guy. Let him approach you. Or not. Stay busy. Don't obsess. And I try.

There is a small cat curled up against my back as I type this. She doesn't care that I screwed up. I am a warm body and she's glad to have me at home on a cold day. I have music to write, a cast to teach it to, and a lot of other commitments this month. For a few hours today I can think about failure. Then I have to let it go and move on, because that's all I can do.

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