Thursday, January 12, 2012

on jobs, friends and running

application form:
why do employers want to know such ridiculous things?
"highly motivated"
"good communicator"
"team player"
let's cut to the truth here:
I need this job because nothing better came along.
I will work as hard as I can for you; in return you will pay me a shitty hourly wage
and when I find something better-
please god let that be soon-
we will part not-friends not-enemies
and you will be another notch on my resume

I signed up for a job search program today
actually I'm pretty excited
I hope they can help me find the skills I need
to get ahead
to find work that I love
to be better at the work I am already doing

I need some money flowing in
this month that means
role-playing for medical exams
and maybe some busking
as well as applying for some retail stuff

i know one of the things that will come up
in this job-search course:
I am afraid:
i have great ideas but I'm hell on follow-through
I would rather languish in poverty than risk rejection
I am lazy:
I would rather do the easy thing than the thing that takes discipline
I hope they can help me change this about myself.
I think between them and me we can do this.
Sometimes I believe this.

In spite of the uncertainties I feel pretty positive right now
the weather is amazing
I have been running
exploring further east
parks and shops
bought a few more albums for the turntable
friends have appeared and reappeared in my life
I wake up happy and excited
Not knowing if it is the sun-
a welcome shot of vitamin D-
or just my body's mysterious chemistry-
which gives and takes away happiness
seemingly at random
I enjoy it while it lasts
all of it:
the uncertainty
the welcome surprise of an unexpected email
pushing my body to run further, faster
the sound of Lady Day crackling through my speakers
a free, unemployed, delightful day of running and exploring
dinner with an old friend; slipping into the easy chatter we've shared
since grade three

I have found gratitude again
I will try to hang onto this feeling
when the sky deadens
when no one calls
when the bank accounts drain and the Visa bill mounts
when I long to be kissed
I will try to remember today.

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