So there I was, on Thursday, feeling kind of toxic again. Vancouver in the winter, the long, rainy winter- she does that to stronger souls than me.
I had been on the bus, the (in)famous Number 14 bus; watched with disgust as a man- who really didn't look all that nutty- got on, opened his briefcase, got out a pack of wieners, slit them open, took one out and began to munch it. Its meaty wiener smell drifted over to me, blech. It was floppy, and flesh-coloured. Luckily, I had to get off the bus right then. Somehow that random act of ew seemed to encapsulate the whole day for me.
It was the inevitability of the clouds and the rain.
It was yet ANOTHER example of how people can be pigs, especially on downtown eastside transit.
It was the 2 hours of training I was going to, which added up to about 25% of my total work hours this month. No money coming in, too much going out= bad.
It was knowing that the Guy I Really Like doesn't feel the same way about me, however much I may not want that to be the truth.
It was feeling as if everyone else was working, or making grand opportunities happen, or creating something amazing, while I was stuck in this backspin of poverty and frustration and stagnation.
I came home that afternoon feeling pretty sorry for myself.
And cooked myself dinner, because whatever else has happened, a tasty home-cooked dinner can make the end of the day brighter, right?
Well, it did, until about 5-o'clock yesterday morning, when the salmon I'd cooked and enjoyed began to make itself known.
I'm not finished with you yet.
By the time I was supposed to get up and go snowshoeing with a friend, it was clear to me that neither the snowshoe adventure, nor the band I was supposed to see with another friend, nor any of the other plans I had for yesterday, were going to happen. I was going to have a long and painful day communing with the porcelain gods.
And I did. I'll spare you the gut-wrenching, scenes-from-The-Exorcist, passing-out-on-the-bathroom-floor details. They weren't fun. On the plus side, I got a LOT of extra reading and sleeping accomplished.
But as I rested, I got some thinking done. And I realized that no one else is going to come along and save me. Not my family, not my friends, not some Dream Guy, wherever-or WHOever- he is. Don't get me wrong: I wouldn't be half the person I am without the people I love. But if I truly want to be happy, and make this life work, then it's going to have to start with me.
And when I awoke this morning, not only was all the bad salmon purged from my system, but so were the bad feelings.
I'm not saying it's a miraculous cure- I'm sure I'll still wake up feeling crappy some days. But I'm going to try and banish those feelings, whatever it takes.
I'm sorry I've been such a drag lately. It's been a hard few months. But I've been making it harder than it needs to be.