Thursday, October 4, 2007

Rage

It came from nowhere this afternoon, hot & choking. I'd had a good long sleep, was looking forward to my last day off in a while. Decided to go to VCC to get my student ID card. Looked around the apartment for my registration info & receipts...nothing. Started tearing the place apart, searching through stacks of papers, recycling, my files, everything...they were nowhere to be found. That's when the rage came, out of all proportion to the event- rage at myself for being untidy, rage at our place for being messy, rage (oh so much rage) at J, who was glued to his laptop and barely noticed my meltdown. I retreated to our bedroom and sobbed. Applied eyedrops and kept searching, even though I knew it'd be no problem to walk over to school get a duplicate from the registrar. J realised-finally-that something was up and began to help. But it was too little, too late. I knew I had to leave, and fast, before bile began to spill from my mouth.
Now I feel hollowed-out and teary, tired and toxic. The rage has abated but it leaves me shaken- it wasn't a good scorching anger that cleared the air but a foul wind that blew in for no good reason, leaving me wondering why. I feel pretty healthy, my job isn't too stressful, I've adjusted to school and work, J & I have been getting along fine...
I can't look at it and say I was mad at anything or anyone specific, that's the problem. Maybe I'm a bit more stressed about money and work than I've been letting myself feel and it had to spill out somehow. I just don't know.

1 comment:

liv said...

Ouch. I've had those days of where on earth did the anger come from. More often than not lately. It's an unsettling feeling. Hope you find the answer/trigger/source/whatever and have fabulous days soon! :)