Wednesday, March 6, 2013


The greyness at this time of year can be overwhelming, the mountains virtually hidden from view for days on end. Sometimes we are gifted with a day of sunshine and that almost makes it worse, makes us remember what we so often lack in this rainy town.

I have been making my own sunshine lately, thanking my lucky stars for small things:
 a warm sitting-room with a big picture window that lets me watch people splashing by on the street below; time to reconnect with some friends; some money to buy new clothes with after months of hating everything that I was wearing. Having hunted high and low for the perfect pair of jeans I finally scored and now I want to buy about 20 more pairs (Lucky Brand Jeans, I love you and am a fan forever!). It's amazing how a few new clothes can help you feel better about the way you look. 

I'm thinking a lot about self-image these days; how I see myself and the way others see me.
What do I see when I look at this picture? Of course I see my sloppy toque and straggly hair, a round face and pretty eyes. I see a face that's wary of smiling for the camera, knowing that my eyes will crinkle unattractively and my mouth will twist. (I also see my friend Ari in the background, looking as though he's going to slip on his big gloves and strangle me.)
I read a book called The Hunger Fix recently and it's helping me come to terms with my struggles with food and addiction. It's also helped me to make some changes in my lifestyle that will hopefully have positive results. I keep a video diary every week and so I stare at my face and think Oh, is that really me? Certain mannerisms I was only half-aware of, endearing and annoying both.
I juice limes and blood oranges when I get tired of water. Or beets and apples with mint and ginger. I eschew the muffins and Red Rose Tea at school for decaf Cinnamon Spice brought from home and breakfast eaten in a hurry before I leave the house. A friend told me yesterday: Your face looks thinner. You look good, have you lost some weight? Comments like that keep me on the straight and narrow.
Daylight Savings Time begins this weekend. Soon I'll be finishing up this scary, delightful, academic, soul-searching school year and (far too soon!) packing and leaving for my job up north and then the whole cycle will repeat itself again with variations.
Seeing myself in these pages, in the video diaries, holds me accountable, pins me down. You were this. You said that, felt like this. You struggled with that. A life, however imperfect. My life, on this screen, in the world, in my heart.

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