It never lets you settle, this life. I've probably blogged before about how conflicted I feel about my lifestyle; on one hand there there is glorious freedom, a flexible schedule, the ability to say why, I believe I'll just fly East this week without having to check in with a supervisor or booking time off months in advance. On the other hand, there is the not knowing: the new jobs that require a new set of skills or a new twist on old ones; a first-day-of-school feeling every month at least. Not to mention the financial instability: the fact that without a gift of money from a dead relative, you wouldn't be flying anywhere, ever, because you couldn't afford to.
I feel as if I'm wriggling around in a chrysalis right now, hoping that the me that will emerge later will be a better person, fighting against the uncertainty and insecurity and hormones that make me irritable and snappy. There have been wonderful little gigs lately; the kind that remind me why I'm living this life which is not, after all, about money and fame but about the deep joy it brings me between all those moments of self-doubt and fear. Singing in a small cafe with good friends both on stage and in the audience. Helping 2 "at-risk"teenagers record their songs and being rewarded with joy from these girls who have been through more than I can even imagine. These and other events have been timely lessons about putting aside ego and finding the good stuff. I think I also need to make some health changes as well, so that my body is less tired, better nourished (less large?). We have also been blessed with a stretch of incredibly good weather lately, and I need to start taking advantage of that and getting outside!
It's almost spring here on the West Coast (take that, eastern Canada!) As good a time as any to cast off the old, bad things and embrace the new.
(I know, my 2.8 readers, I promised a steamy sex post last time, and I failed to deliver. J has been sick basically all month, so our usually romantic month of Valentine's Day and anniversary was a pretty subdued affair: a rose or 2 for V-Day, a quiet dinner-no alcohol for J because of antibiotics- on our anniversary. Let's just say that this year marks 11 years with this remarkable man, and we continue to find out new things about each other and make each other laugh. "Eleven years," Jon said to me the other day. "We could have had a tween by now!" And I freaked out, just a little, to realize that he's right.)