Thursday, December 1, 2011


oh, her email tonight
out of the blue:
I JUST read your email from months ago-
are you okay??

I thanked her
gave her a brief summary of what she missed:
yes, surgery; yes, breakup; yes, moved and
yes, am okay

re-reading my answer to her it is clear-
There is a difference between what I pitch to people:
I am a professional musician!
I have never been healthier!
'Freelance' means I have my own schedule!
I am single and loving it!

and the murkier depths of reality:
I am riddled with self-doubt about my abilities and my career choices!
I scarf down pizza slices on the way home from rehearsals!
I work out, go running, then bum cigarettes from my roommate!
I am either ridiculously busy or still wearing pyjamas at noon!
I write random, newsy, funny things to a far-away guy who probably wonders what on earth he did to deserve these notes he gets from me!
And in the meantime, my own city is remarkably free of anyone who wants to love me!

the constant struggle:
not to let the pitch and the reality separate too much.

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