Still doing a lot of sitting around at home, due to this cold. Which leads to a lot of journalling, thinking, and brainstorming, much of it along these lines: Who knew the human body could contain this much phlegm? As I canceled both work and fun events yesterday so that I could be at home, I realized that I was truly sick and can only be thankful that I have the time to take it easy right now. Sometimes your body just knows.
Still doing a lot of thinking about what's ahead this year and how to make it really count. It's my year- no, it actually is: the year of the Tiger, in Chinese astrology. Yesterday was a big one in terms of The Future; I had 2 meetings, both of them dealing with future work opportunities. The first meeting was a gigantic job offer, a huge, flattering, scary, fun possibility that involves lots of hard work and living in a very isolated community for up to 4 months, away from everyone I know and love, performing every day. The second meeting was with my most beloved band, and it was the kind of meeting we have periodically (although mostly via email), where we basically re-hash our frustrations over never being free to play or tour at the same time. We say a lot of IloveyouIloveyouIloveyoubutIcan'tcommitrightnowduetosuchandsuch and then we all sigh in frustration and look for other work. Being in a band is a lot like being in a relationship. No, actually it IS a relationship, but a tricky, polygamous one. Being in a band comprised of four busybusy people is like having an affair: there's never enough time, no one's ever completely happy, and whatever you do, someone ends up getting shafted.
In honor of my new, fiery (and phlegm-y) commitment to Living Life To Its Fullest, I want to make a bold choice to start the new year off with a bang. But instead I hover, unable to jump in to this new job opportunity without an ache of regret.
You see, if I leave the city for 4 months, I won't be able to make music with my friends for a long time. And one of them might move across the country in the interim. My latest self-help book says that every decision leads to wonderful opportunities, and I am starting to know that. This is a wonderful band, but I can't possibly make a living off it right now.
But, but... when I stand on stage with these guys, I feel more powerful, more talented, more complete than I've ever felt. We have a long way to go and they drive me nuts sometimes (and I drive them nuts too, no doubt) but there is something so special there.
Part of me would like to be like of hero of some mushy chick flick; you know, the one where you think the lovers have gone their separate ways and then in the last scene he runs into the airport just as she's boarding the plane and holds out his arms and says I didn't marry the other woman/take that job after all and they fall into each other's arms as the credits roll. But there are 3 other busy people here, and if I ran into the airport, metaphorically speaking, ready to declare my devotion, I might just find that the plane had already taken off. Without me.
All of which is a really convoluted way of saying that I can't help having regrets, even as exciting new possibilities open up before me. And I have less than a week to make my final decision about a huge chunk of the coming year...