thanksgiving

I've been saying it all day, out at the Pumpkin Patch.
Happy Thanksgiving, Have a great Thanksgiving.
as they file off the wagon, bags bulging with pumpkins

and so now I take a second to say thanks, myself:

For blue skies and sunlight, after so many days of grey.
For work, especially at the Pumpkin Patch, which still makes me happy after 9 Octobers there
For my new place, eccentric though it may be, which is starting to feel like home
For friends and family, who make me feel loved whether they are sitting across from me at dinner, helping me move house, or sending me smart-ass remarks from a computer screen
For health and strength and resilience, which I am so lucky to have in abundance

With all my heart, thanks..

This is Accordion Girl.

She has a big red accordion. She also has five other accordions, most of them tucked away in storage. They are called:
The Big Black One (given to her while she was busking at the ferry terminal on the Sunshine Coast. True Story.),
The Little Black One (she's had this one for years. If it was in better shape it would be her favorite.)
The Swedish One (gutted and only useful as a wall decoration these days)
The Playhouse One (given to her by the fly man at the Vancouver Playhouse. People really like to gift Accordion Girl with accordions!) and...
The Button Accordion (the one she can't really play.)
That's a lot of accordions!

Last summer, Accordion Girl worked up North, at a little theatre company in a gold rush town. She wore a hairpiece that made her hair look really curly, and a dress with dozens of ruffles, and she was very happy.


At the end of the summer (well, actually, it was more like autumn), Accordion Girl went back to the big city. At the beginning of the summer, she had said goodbye to someone, and now that she was back in town, she had to move all her things (including the six accordions) to a new place, and start a new life.


She had some kind of weird jobs to get her through the fall. One of them was dressing up in a magician's costume and scaring trainloads of people with a giant fake saw.


The other one was playing her little black accordion at a pumpkin patch in the middle of the country (well, Richmond).

It was nice to be outdoors so much, and sometimes you could spot random celebrities at the Pumpkin Patch, people like Elivis Costello and Tamara Taggart (not together, though. That would be weird.) But although these jobs were diverting, Accordion Girl wanted more from life. Like... a career that maybe meant that her next home wouldn't look so much like this:


Plus, Accordion Girl had realized over the summer that she still had the ability to fall madly, deeply, and very swiftly in LOVE. This was exciting, but it meant that she was never fully in control of her emotions.



Will Accordion Girl find success in her career? Will she adapt to her eccentric new home? Will she learn to be happy on her own or will she be able to fall for someone without turning into a zombie? Stay tuned...

11:11 pm

(actually, it's 11:12 by now, but 11:11 looked better as a title.)

well, i started the day in my little northern mining town
and am ending it at my mom's place in east vancouver
ten freaking hours on the Greyhound, people
(although it was pretty enjoyable to just sit quietly by myself and just read for ten hours straight. read, and watch the fraser river and the mountains and the fall-coloured trees flitting past. i don't remember the last time i read for ten hours. i most certainly didn't have time to do that this summer.)

i think i'm a bit shell-shocked, honestly.

i mean, the place i left has no traffic lights. not one.
and the town restaurant?
well, last night at the restaurant, we trooped in around 8, amy brought a dvd with her
and so we watched "The Long Riders": my roommate, my two bosses, dave and cheryl, who run the Paw, and Francesco The Italian Waiter-
Movie Night at the Bear's Paw. cool.

here in vancouver the traffic hums past all. the. time.
there are a million restaurants on the drive, but i bet i can't watch a movie at any of 'em
i am uncomfortably aware that my old home and life are just down the street from where i sit right now
and it is so surreal that that life is gone forever
and here i am, at thirty-seven
crashing on mom's floor for a few nights until the big move

going to move in to new digs next week
and get used to the sound of traffic all over again
and look both ways before i cross streets
and remember not to say hello to people on the street unless i know them

going to buy a new bed at ikea
it'll be a double, on the optimistic assumption that perhaps, one night, i might get to share it with someone
(not any specific someone, you understand
i'm just looking ahead to a time when i might have a love life again)

going to re-connect with city friends over coffees and rehearsals and walks
and try not to miss all the friends i made this summer
try to stay connected with them over distance
and trust that they'll be there next year
and that so will i

going to try not to lose my heart to anyone else for a while
take things slow and not fall madly in love after five minutes because really?
Today's Single Women are cool, they date; they don't get all fluttery at the drop of a hat
(um, i think i have a lot to learn. sigh.)

going to accomplish at least some of the things on my to-do lists:
the little, niggling ones like taxes and bills and chores
and the great big ones like travel and creativity and staying fit

autumn's here
old things are dying
new things are on their way

summer came, finally
two weeks of swimming, sunning, hiking
these weeks of one-show days: less plays, more playing
we celebrated Christmas in September the other day
(because none of us are actually here at Christmas time)
we ate hugely, exchanged presents, sang carols
it was kind of magical
I looked around the table at this 'family' of people I've known and worked with and thought
thanks for this

the next day it was rainy and grey again, summer gone for good

I spent a couple of hours talking to someone last night in the cold outdoors
and he said
that when he hires people, he asks them what they think their greatest achievement is
which kind of floored me
because I realized that although I'm proud of many things I've done
I don't know if there's one specific thing I could point to right away and say this is what makes me so proud
I guess if it's anything, it's
writing music for a (small) hit show
clawing my way back from surgery to work up here
playing in Montreal with Zeellia

so maybe this year is going to be about achievements
no, not 'maybe'
it WILL be about:
making changes
doing things I can be proud of
creating things
making music
making money
being happy
finding balance

speaking of which, that someone I talked to last night is a someone who makes my heart beat a little too fast
someone I love talking to
but
if I looked up the definition of 'He's Just Not That Into You'
his picture would probably be right there
so, onward I guess
easier said than done, though
but if this summer has taught me anything it's that I'm tougher than I thought
and now summer's over
my time up here is nearly through
and although I know that there will be more hurts to get through, and more confusion to navigate
there will also be tremendous joy, of this I'm sure
new jobs, new place, new life waiting for me down south
in just over a week's time.

Why I love this place: the Cariboo Gold Quartz Mine

I have been avoiding the big city (Quesnel) on my days off, and the last couple of weeks found me at Bowron Lake with family and friends, sunning and swimming. This week I was determined to relax right at home; no cars, no travels, no companions, just me and the town of Wells. If it was rainy, I'd sleep and read. If it was nice, I'd head up Cow Mountain to the Cariboo Gold Quartz Mine.
It was sunny.

First, I walked up Lowhee Road, which I'd never done before. Barkerville Gold Mines has some buildings up there, so I didn't go too far, since this is an active gold mine, and gold miners are rather possessive about their property. However, I did stumble upon their top-secret stash of gold! You think they'd be a bit more clever about hiding it...

I crossed the creek, spotting a gold panner along the way (I also gave him a wide berth, since gold-panners are also possessive about their spots and I didn't want him to think I was horning in on his 'claim'.)

And off to the old mine. My fascination with this place is only equaled by my fear of bears, so I am always a little antsy here. Plus, there's something so spooky about old buildings. Spooky, but wonderful.

My favorite building up here.

One day I hope to come here with someone who knows the history of this gold mine, and can tell me what everything is. At a guess, this is an elevator, which either took men down, or gold up. Dunno. The whole side of the building has peeled away, so if you can scootch under some branches which block the trail, you are in like Flynn, and you can explore to your heart's content.


Barkerville Gold Mines is working up on this mountain, so who knows how long this old stuff will remain before it's knocked down to make way for a new mine working? This building has been gutted, probably by heavy snows, but the ground around it is covered in core samples.

My second favorite place: a short walk to a gaping mine shaft.

If you head right, you will be standing on top of a huge tailings pile, where you can survey your domain. Look down, and there is a tangle of machinery which always reminds me of the ghastly Ironworks building in Stephen King's book "IT". As far as I know, Fred Wells' mine was a safe, good place to work, not a haunted kill-site, but the rusty scraps of god-knows-what always give me a bit of a chill.

Speaking of chill, you can feel the mine's cold breath as you approach this shaft. Just a few feet in, the floor is covered in ice.

*A disclaimer: I am far too smart (and too chicken) to enter a mine shaft. AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO! Anyone who goes into a mine shaft is an effin' idiot, and deserves whatever happens to them.*

And down a creepy little path to some more buildings. The Dark Lord apparently reigns here.


There are bits of machinery lying around- who knows what they used to do? Well, someone probably does know. That someone, however, is not me.


Finally I'd had enough of overgrown ruins. The beach on Jack o' Clubs Lake is glorious: strange-coloured sand, shrubs, and stunning views.


I also took a path along the lake for a while. There were claims staked all the way along it.

After messing about on the beach for a bit, I decided to walk over to the highway and the visitors' centre, but the only way there was either through a vile bog, or a wade in the lake, so I chose the latter (although I experimented with the bog first...)

It had been almost a 2-hour hike at this point. I slogged home, wet to the thighs from the chilly lake, and devoured my very late lunch with a huge appetite.

shoulder season

I've been waking up tired these last few days
although I still have lots of energy for the shows-
no, scratch that, sometimes I have energy-
other days I guess I phone it in, a little
except we're pre-telephone in 1869, so I guess I'm telegraphing it in

Don't get me wrong, I still love being here
and most days, I remember that I'm lucky to be here, too
different test results, different surgery, and I wouldn't have been
I have a birthday coming up
and I feel pretty lucky about that, too
even though the numbers are getting bigger and bigger
i still can't believe I'm over thirty, and thirty happened quite some time ago

but Fall comes so early, here
on the heels of a too-short summer
I count evening swims on one hand this year
including one moonlit skinny-dip, which was amazing; I want more
bike rides are buffeted by headwinds with a chill I can't ignore
I bought a warm coat the other day, which I'll need sooner than I'd wish
but

cold aside, part of me wants to stay here with
a woodstove, a cat, and a box of books to read...
not go back to the city, where things lurk:
taxes, memories, responsibilities, jobs I need but don't like
I'm excited too, though
there will be new places to live, new people to meet, interesting jobs
even love? but I can't even think about that

I guess what is feel is conflicted
I know this summer can't last much longer
Time stretches and snaps like elastic
and what felt eternal is now almost done
and I am slowly learning
to trust in people and places
even when life takes you far away from them
If I did the same thing, stayed in the same town all the time it would be dull
but it is a wrench to know that I have to move on
to start again
scary and exciting both
so I will try and push through the tiredness
and enjoy every last minute here

reality check.

She comes up to me before the 1-o'clock show. Not much older than me, but the years have not been as kind to her
I remember joking with her and her family yesterday before our 4pm history drama
I was in character at the time: Irish whore, whisky in hand

She says: Johanna Maguire- did that really happen to her? (Irish whore, whisky in hand, dead at thirty-four, beaten to death by her man)
I say yes. Yes it did.

She shows me the scar on her neck
Two vertebrae here are fused together because of the same thing she says
He got life in jail for that.
It just goes to show you, doesn't it? she says. it's been happening to women for so many years.

it just goes to show you.