I don't know about you, but I'm feeling...41.

Last year, I celebrated my 40th birthday with some of my best friends. Campfire, cake, wine, and some wicked hash brownies to finish off the night. I literally felt surrounded by love. This year will be quieter. The friends I shared a fire with mostly live in other cities. But I am no less loved, for all that. Some of the people I only met last year are now some of my best friends. Distance makes it hard for us to stay in touch, but we do. I am slightly less thin, and my hair is greyer. But today, as I played accordion for a room full of seniors, one of them proposed to me, and another told someone she thought I was nineteen. Sometimes I’m amazed that I’m not. 

It's been an exciting year. Literally a week after I got back home to Vancouver last fall, a month an a half after my birthday,  I met somebody through an online dating website. My 3rd date. And we fell in love. How does that even happen? The other day, I marvelled to him, “I didn’t even know you existed this time last year!” We don’t always agree, as I wrote in a song about him, but he makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me feel precious and sexy and loved. With him, I am slowly learning that the occasional spat doesn’t signal the end of the world, that my “It’s all over!” is his “Did we even have an argument?” I may have him for five more months or five more years or fifty, but I’ll be the luckiest girl any way, just to know this kind of love.  

This was the year I started teaching piano at the Sarah McLachlan school of music, started teaching private accordion lessons, and realized that after all these years of saying I wouldn't like it, that I love teaching. I worked on a hit musical about a video game. I spent most of my summer in Saskatchewan, playing piano and double bass in a musical about poultry. As always, there were many times when I stepped outside my comfort zone, but I also felt my confidence growing every time I tackled something that scared me. I dislike this expression intensely, but I can think of no other way to say it: I feel blessed. I am blessed.

There were shadows this past year. I wasn't always well. For the first time since my surgery four years ago, I worried about my health. Something is making my lower back and hips sore. Something is making me tired and headachy. There were days this past year when I would get out of my bed after a nine hour sleep and have almost no energy. I would go to work in a fog. Probably very few of you knew this, because my work, especially when it involves teaching or performing, energizes me. But some days it was a struggle. It still is, sometimes. I have totally normal bloodwork; I’ve been screened for a number of things, including diseases I will forbear to mention in polite company. I have a great doctor, and we'll figure this out. But the fatigue and low energy took its toll when it came to my fitness regime, and I gained back some of the weight I lost. It’s an ongoing struggle. There are days, especially when I try on clothes, when I curse my curves, and the love of good food that makes them grow. But I am routinely mistaken for someone who is 10-15 years younger than she is; I can walk for hours (my friend Ari and I have invented Extreme Walking, where we ‘hike’ up to 30km in the city); I can bike 30-40 kilometres at a stretch. I know exactly what to do if I want to lose weight and I know I’ll do it again. Although I just started a food blog, so it may be a challenge. One of the awesome things that came out of my health issue was that a friend urged me to try a daily yoga challenge to help my sore back, and I totally fell in love with it. I can only say, with the fervour of someone who’s been practicing yoga for a whole 21 days, that it’s the best way to start the day EVER, and it is now the first thing I do when I roll out of bed. 

Writing- blogging in particular- has become steadily more important to me again, and I love it. I’m still figuring out how to make it pay, but for now it feeds my soul and that’s a great start. From someone who routinely wished she could think of things to create, I’ve become someone who hasn’t got enough time to fit it all in. I’ve recently started crocheting again. I have a food blog. My guy and I are working on some children’s stories. I take photographs. Sometimes- not as much as I’d like- I even write songs. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m a Jill-of-all-trades rather than a specialist. I may lack the dedication to focus and work really hard on one or two things, but trying lots of things has made my life much more rich and interesting.

This year, the year I become 41, there is already hope and excitement on the horizon. I'll be teaching again at the Sarah McLachlan school, hopefully learning how to become a better piano teacher as I assist four group piano classes and teach one. I get to music direct a musical parody of Jurassic Park. I'll be returning to Saskatchewan in the spring to compose some music for a show at the Globe Theatre in Regina. Not only is my work exciting and fun, but for the first time in such a long time, I should be making enough money to actually get by. 

Someone today commented that I’d paid my dues, but it never feels like that to me. To me, it always feels like I’m getting away with something. I think it always will. The difference is that these days, I can enjoy myself instead of guiltily looking over my shoulder. Happy birthday. 

Arts and Crafts

I have been very bad about taking photographs with my sweet new camera lately. I can't even blame the weather for it- it's been sunny and gorgeous this week. You know what? I'm going to put down this laptop for a minute and take a picture of something. Then I'm going to upload it to this blog. Don't say I never did anything for ya.
Okay, I'm back.  Look! I made a toque!

And that lipstick is quite fetching too, I believe. Ben Nye's Cinnaberry. I've never found a shade to match it in any other brand.

This is actually the, oh, fourth toque, maybe? Two I just don't wear. They were more like experiments. Practice toques. The third one is a pretty nice design but I don't love the yarn. I can't remember what this yarn is comprised of but it's light, so I'll be able to keep wearing it when it gets warmer. And you can't see here, but I made it long and didn't bring it to a point, so it kind of flops over in the back. It's also got flecks of purple in it which I love. Although the yarn I like is expensive and this particular hat seemed to take a while to make, I really like how I am learning new things every time I make the effort to crochet something. In this case, new stitches (half-double-crochet and crossover double crochet) and a new design (slouchy). 

In terms of learning a totally new design and following a pattern successfully, these were a high point:

Socks! These are the product of almost exactly 2 balls of Noro yarn, which is Japanese and woollen and absolutely gorgeous combinations of colours. I made these for my friend Megan who is one of my inspirations in all things crafty. It's hard to give a homemade item to someone who's so good at crocheting (and sewing. and quilting) but on the other hand I knew she'd appreciate all the work that went into them. 

Hey, guess what else I've been making? Music, that's what. 

I don't always look like a slack-jawed moron when I play. Honest.

An actor who I'd never met asked me to play some squeezebox on his new album. It was a freebie, which I try and avoid unless it's for friends, but since I wasn't doing much anyway I figured it'd be good karma to say yes. And it was. I got to play, and sing, and meet Torquil Campbell who heads up the bands Memphis and Stars, two faves of mine. He played trumpet on one track and my accordion gets to harmonize with his trumpet line. Kind of magical. I love spending a day in the studio, feeling as if I was born to do this. That's worth more than a paycheque. 

Speaking of paycheques, I'm also doing Standardized Patient work this weekend (roleplaying for medical students). Which means I need to get to bed SOON 'cause it's an early day tomorrow. I can't tell you what my role is because we sign confidentiality agreements (if the students find out our roles ahead of time it spoils the surprise element and it's usually for a medical exam so it would be kind of like finding the answers for your test). But this role is going to be very fun. The kicker is that it takes about 6 weeks to GET paid. Which is hard because I need money NOW. 

Finally... I also did my first Fight Like Sherlock Holmes class today which was amazing. And hard. It's a Victorian martial art called Bartitsu, which basically combines Ju-Jitsu, boxing, and stick fighting. We did the Ju-Jitsu part today. It takes me a while to get stuff into my body, so I wouldn't say I'm a natural at it, but I really enjoyed it. And after 2 hours I felt rubbery, as if my arms and legs had been stretched quite a bit. Which they had. 

Okay, that's all for now except that I should add that I also saw a lot of theatre this week; 1 play sucked and the other 2 were fabulous. And now, goodnight.

Well look at that. I'm all moved in. *

*Not actually my stuff. Subletting rocks!

The first item on my to-do list was to find and destroy ALL the mothballs that the last subletter had thoughtfully scattered all over the closet at the sight of a couple small moths. I suspect I haven't found them all yet, because the smell is still, um, pervasive. But I quibble. The apartment is gorgeous.

Again, not my stuff. But who cares?

This week I would come home from rehearsals, curl up on the leather couch in the living room, and read. Or crochet. My rented double bass looks great in the corner. Candles flicker merrily. My stuffed Paddington Bear dozes beside me when I go to bed. He's not as lively as some of my former companions, but he doesn't snore, so I'll keep him for now. I also have to say: I wake up every day with a smile on my face because I am living alone! For the first time in manymany years! Sometimes I notice that I talk to myself a little more than I did with roomies, but that's kinda fun. And because I have no tv (not a new thing, I haven't had tv for over 2 years) I have to make sure I have lots of books and crocheting in the place. Hence my renewed love affair with the library. And the local yarn store. (Alpaca wool! It's as if tiny angel-kitties coughed up angelic hairballs of incredible softness and someone spun them into yarn!)

My show opened last night and closes tomorrow. After many summers of 200+ shows, a 2-show run seems bizarre. I'll miss this one. There are some jobs where you walk in and immediately feel at home, and this was one of those for sure. I think we're lucky, I tell a girlfriend, because we have these jobs where we get to meet new people all the time. Imagine being stuck in an office with the same people for 20 years! We laugh together. We know, all-too-well, the downside of what we do: financial instability, connections that seem deep until the contract ends, but there are upsides too. 

I am coming to trust the cyclical nature of things, friendships in particular. The ex-lover of 20 years ago  who now takes time away from his marriage and two young children to help me move house, who plays music and writes songs with me. The childhood BFF who lives in a northern city and comes to Vancouver every few years or so. When we meet and have dinner it's as if all those years apart don't even matter. The crush of 8 years ago who I see a play with and proceed to talk with for over 3 hours. Even my own brother, who can be remarkably cavalier about replying to my texts, but will open his house to me when I need a place to stay (my sublet only lasts 3 months). This cycle of friends, work and adventures feels like a good and healthy one, and I can only hope that it's a long one, too.